Begin Anywhere, then connect the dots backwards.

I couldn't sleep well last night. I was trying to figure out my future. I know, that was a very stupid thing to do. It used up all my remaining brain cells and managed to drain both my emotional and physical energy.
Why the hell do it?
I lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, I get tired, turn off the lights, then continue to stare at the dark space above me. I see nothing. Every night, this happens. I keep forcing my brain to come up with a detailed plan on how I should live my life. I somehow fall asleep, and I am thankful that despite the shit that goes on in my brain, my body gives up and shuts down automatically. Sleep used to be the only place I have Peace, but now even Peace got bored in my Sleep.

I am constantly bothered and worried. I keep looking for the best and fail-proof thing to do(so as not to disappoint others), that as a result of too much thinking and worrying, I end up with nothing. I know I should stop doing this and I will. There is no progress in just thinking my brains out all the time. There is no movement. I am still in the same place I was last year, still "thinking about it." I am tired.

Bruce Mau said in his Incomplete Manifesto:

9. "Begin Anywhere"
John Cage tells us that not knowing where to begin is a common form of paralysis. His advice: begin anywhere.

So like he said, or I guess like John Cage said: begin anywhere. No more specific detailed structured fail-proof plan. I should just begin. Anywhere. After reading this and then staring at it for 15 minutes or so, I realized that where you start is not important at all,  where it brings you is what matters.

Steve Jobs also said something about connecting the dots backwards. In a Stanford graduation speech he said:

"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."

That paragraph hit me in the head. Somehow it all became clear to me. Here are some of the other things I liked that he said from that speech.

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."

 Lastly, he talked about Death.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
source.

Inspirational Speeches, Quotations, Manifestos, Self-help plans, I read most of them. They keep me sane and I like them. They are like magic words sewn together to give purpose to paralyzed souls, dramatically speaking. I have more!

“However unhappy a person may be, the moment he knows the purpose of his life a switch is turned and the light is on... If he has to strive after that purpose all his life, he does not mind so long as he knows what the purpose is.
“Ten such people have much greater power than a thousand people working from morning till evening not knowing the purpose of their life.”
–H.I. Khan

Although I still have no clue as to what will happen to me next, the lessons that these people taught me made my life easier and bearable. No one ever really knows where they are going until they reach their destination. I hope for the best this 2011. I hope when I look back, I can be proud to say that I have learned something from this year. I have 11 months and 12 days to work it.

X -fingers crossed!